A Big Void Leads to a Big Mistake

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A “Big Void” Leads to a Big Mistake

As Told by : Janet, Age 45

Before I tell my story, I would like to say that I am not the typical person you would expect to be sharing something like this. I am a married, well-educated (masters degree) woman in my mid-forties. I have an extremely successful career, two wonderful children and a husband who doesn’t really have any big faults, other than the fact that he works way too much. I am telling my story because I thought it might help others who are in my situation – or at the very least those people who can relate to a little of how what happened to me, happened.

In college, I was very active in my sorority, but I had since lost touch with many of my fellow sisters. As I grew older, I yearned to get back in touch with some of them, but wasn’t sure exactly how to do so. One of my neighbors told me about social networking and said she had been able to reconnect with a lot of her high school classmates by opening an account, so I decided to do the same. Within just a few weeks, I had located most of my sorority sisters as well as many old friends.

One connection I made was with a guy that I didn’t really remember from college (other than his name), but he and I had many mutual friends, so I accepted his Friend Request without worry. I enjoyed reading his posts and seeing how he interacted with others. We shared a similar sense of humor and within a few short weeks, we were involved in each other’s posts on a daily basis. Before long, our banter moved to each other’s personal email, and that’s when it started to change.

This guy, who I will call “Ben”, began to compliment me on a regular basis. He would tell me that I was very funny and intelligent, in addition to letting me know that I looked beautiful in my profile picture. At first I wondered – is this guy hitting on me? But I quickly discounted that theory, thinking I was far too old to be approached in this way, especially by the likes of someone like him. I saw Ben as a man who was very smart, compassionate, and a happily married father of four. Pretty soon, he started to share with me that he was not happy in his marriage at all – that in fact he was separated from his wife and was dealing with a lot of self confidence issues in terms of himself personally and in his career. This should have been my cue to exit our relationship, but at this point, I did not want to because I had already developed strong feelings for this man.

In no time at all, our correspondence went from discussions of our careers and mutual friends to talk of “us”. Ben told me he loved me on a regular basis and I reciprocated. We sometimes talked of a future together and I began daydreaming of my kids and his kids being together under one roof - all the while with me and Ben hopelessly in love right there in the role as parents. Despite all this, I did feel guilty about what I was doing to my family, but I was able to quickly discount those feelings by becoming angry at my husband for working such long hours. After all, if he really loved me, would he stay away from me so much? This is how I rationalized what I was doing.

Ben and I spoke on the phone a couple of times, but he told me he needed to keep our communication strictly in email because he was afraid his wife would “find us out” via the cell phone bill. At this point, anyone reading this is probably thinking I am pretty silly and terribly naïve, and looking back, I would have to agree. But I can’t tell you how simple it was to slip into this world with him at the time - I trusted him completely. And since almost all of our communication was online, that made it very easy for us to carry out – not to mention justify. I knew deep down that our affair was not reality, but fantasy, yet I carried on because I was addicted to the way he treated me and how I felt when we communicated.

My marriage had never been anywhere close to perfect - and I knew there was a big void in our relationship because I truly did not feel like I was loved or appreciated. Ben was telling me the same thing about him and that this was why he and his wife had separated. It all just seemed so “normal” to me - didn’t this happen all the time? Weren’t we lucky to have found each other? I thought I had hit the lottery and had finally connected with the man of my dreams. If I could only figure out how to leave my husband so I could be with Ben, things would finally be right in my life, right? Yeah, you guessed it. Wrong. I was wrong in ways that I hadn’t yet realized, but soon would.

Ben and I met once in person about three months after our online affair began. Despite the fact that we were significantly attracted to one another, we decided that we were not prepared for a physical relationship just yet. This was mostly Ben’s suggestion, and while I would have preferred that something happen physically, it did help me to sleep at night that nothing did. But I was beginning to realize that something was holding Ben back. Within a couple of months of that meeting, Ben told me he needed space. Eventually he told me that we would have to put our relationship on hold entirely while he figured some things out and started the divorce process with his wife. Despite a strong “gut feeling” that this just didn’t add up, I accepted what he said as the truth - mostly because I couldn’t deal with the thought of losing him.

During the weeks that followed, I heard from Ben every couple of weeks. He would check in to say “Hi” and let me know how he was doing. Occasionally he would tell me that he loved me and that would keep me from worrying about “us”. But my gut feeling about him was getting stronger - none of this was adding up. I began to believe he was likely having second thoughts about his marriage or was seeing someone else. By doing some careful investigation through other friends, I was able to determine that the latter theory was true - yet it wasn’t that he was seeing just someone new - but several new women. He had engaged in multiple online affairs, but had become sloppy with it and left a trail. Many people - myself included - now knew that Ben was a liar, a cheater and not what he portrayed himself to be online at all. To make matters worse, he was involved in a very ugly divorce as a result.

Soon after I discovered all this, Ben contacted me and confirmed my findings. He never apologized, but said he was going through a lot with his divorce and that he had been misled by one of the other women. Was I supposed to feel sorry for him? The sad thing is that I almost did. This man really had me under his spell. I was no longer thinking rationally and still believed that I couldn’t bear to lose him. He left it open for us to continue our relationship at a later time. But in the end, I closed the door on that possibility and left Ben to be part of my past – and one of the biggest learning experiences of my life.

Wright from the Heart

Editorial by : Norma Leigh Wright

There are many lessons to be learned from Janet’s story. First is how easy an online relationship can turn into something unhealthy and in some cases wrong if either of you is married. In terms of online dating, Janet was a victim of a common type of person – one who is dishonest. Her “gut feelings” were definitely right on the money when it came to Ben and she should have trusted her instincts and never gotten involved with him in the first place beyond a friendship.

When dating online, it’s important that you follow your gut as well. If something that someone is telling you is not quite adding up, there is probably a reason. Don’t be afraid to ask more questions – particularly if you feel like you are developing feelings for someone. It’s better to know in advance that the other person isn’t ready for a relationship before actually engaging in one with such a person.

Unfortunately one of the pitfalls of dating online is that you will only know so much about the daily routine of the other person. Your romantic interest might not only be communicating with you, but many others as well – and could even be involved seriously with multiple partners, much like Ben was.

Be aware of warning signs in the behavior of the other person. Try to make the right decisions based on what you are being told and how the other person deals with certain situations. In Janet’s case, for example, it probably should have been a red flag that Ben did not want to speak on the phone nor become involved physically. Let your head do your thinking instead of your heart and you will be less likely to be hurt and find yourself in an unfortunate situation such as this one.